


Nuclear Waste Without Haste

by Cherry_Bomb_Bees



Category: Captain Underpants Series - Dav Pilkey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-27
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-25 04:44:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12523264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry_Bomb_Bees/pseuds/Cherry_Bomb_Bees
Summary: But what all really happened on the date of September 25? Find out in the previously unreleased prologue!





	Nuclear Waste Without Haste

The city of Piqua, Ohio was restless on an average Monday afternoon. On one of the roads leading to the suburbian area, an army green 18-wheeler truck labeled "Russia's Greatest Waste Machine" cruised down the paved road. Inside the truck, two grown men were having the time of their lives, which in trucker speak is "share a beer with a pal". 

"Hey, Tony" the man in the driver seat chuckled.

Tony looked to his left at the driver, unsure of what his companion was up to. "Yes Orlando?" he asked, gulping down a can of Pretentious Bold Recreation beer. Drops of the weakened wheat juice dripped down his wiry red beard and his faded blue sweatshirt as he got an answer.

Orlando chuckled, swallowing an entire bottle of Rasputin Vodka before throwing it out the window without care. "I think we made a dang old wrong turn here" he drawled out.

"Y'all gotta be kiddin' me here!" Tony hollered. He wiped the last of the beer off his chin with the back of his left hand, the bitter smell sticking to his diamond ring and skin.

Orlando yelled back "I ain't kidding y'all, Tony! Dawn gave us them wrong instructions" as he stomped on the breaks and was headed towards the biggest disaster of their lives.

Just as the truckers were ready to turn, a mangled piece of scrap metal underneath the 18-wheeler pierced and slashed both front tired. Tony and Orlando screamed as their vehicle skidded and screeched against the gravel, the pressure causing the freight of the truck to burst open. 

Bright yellow barrels marked with pitch black warning signs were flung across the air as the truck continued to keep skidding until it finally crashed against the tall maple tree, and then set fire.

Meanwhile, inside Jerome Horwitz Peniterary...Oh, I'm sorry, Elemenary School.

It was dreary and apathetic inside. The gym teacher was forcing the 3rd grade to run laps as he shoveled a greasy lunch into his face, the 2nd graders were stuck listening to rambles about the human skeleton, 5th graders were trapped in a computer lab with bulky desktops older than the oldest student, 1st graders were locking themselves inside the school lockers, kindergardners were reading All My Friends are Dead, the detention kids were sniffing glue and highlighters, and the entire 4th grade was having outside recess. Well, the entire 4th grade minus 3.

"Holy crap, guys!" one of the boys yelled in surprise as he pointed at the crashed truck.

This caused the children to look over at the carnage before them. But unknown to them, their lives would be changed.

"All right, everyone back inside" hollered Principal Krupp as he attempted to shoo the curious children inside with no luck. "...fine, you kids can look" he sighed out as he went inside.

Mr. Krupp walked towards the cafeteria to find where Edith was. 

CRASH!

He sprinted into the cafeteria to find where the crashing sound came from. Looking inside, he saw his employee, Miss Edith, frantically yelling and pulling something out of a barrel.

"What do you two think you're doing?!" she hollered in fear. Edith dived headfirst into the nuclear waste bucket, pulled out two children drenched in toxic sludge, and set them on the ground. Mr. Krupp was baffled until he saw the fourth graders shake the rest of the sludge off, then his confusion turned into rage.

"Oh, he's pretty mad all right" the kid with the flat-top and tie said.

"GEORGE!" the principal screamed in anger.

The other child, this one with a striped T-shirt and a bad haircut, nodded. "Should we run?"

Mr. Krupp hollered at the top of his lungs. "HAROLD!!!"

"Are you two trying to get yourselves killed?" Edith worried in fear, completely unfazed by her boss's infuriated expression.

"Nope!" said George. "Just trying to get superpowers!"

Silence was held for a few minutes.

...."Why?" Benjamin Krupp asked.

"Because we found this thing of nuclear waste here" Harold then explained, earning a facepalm from his principal.

The frustrated middle-aged man stormed off with bigger concerns, muttering "I don't get paid enough for this...", leaving Edith and the boys confused.

Five minutes later, more and more barrels landed inside the school. Some were already burst and leaked across the classrooms, while others rolled inwards. The largest waste container flew in, crushing the gym teacher's head onto the ground. Hysterical elementary students were purposely getting the green goo all over them to get superpowers, like George and Harold just did.

Edith walked outside the building with the two boys following suit to find some sort of help. She pulled Mr. Krupp's underwear out of her pocket and stood on top of the school, waving it out like a flag. Just then, a tubby superhero flew to her with glee.

"TRA LA LAAAAA" he sang out as he arrived. "And who might this lovely lady be, sidekicks?" he asked with confidence in his voice, causing the lunch lady to chuckle and blush.

"Captain Underpants, this is Edith" George introduced his creation to the woman before him.

"I must say, sidekick, she is quite charming" Captain Underpants exclaimed. "Now why did she call me?"

"There's toxic waste everywhere" pointed out Edith.

The Waistband Warrior hollered out "Where there's toxic waste, there MUST be a villian to defeat! Come along sidekicks!" as he picked up George and Harold in both arms.

"To the skies!" Captain joyfully called out as he jumped upwards.

"Oh no" sighed out George.

"Here we go again" Harold groaned.

Unknown to the Captain, he had accidentally dropped the two fourth graders. But don't worry readers, they didn't die!

Instead, the Waistband Warrior saw two glowing orbs of vivid red and green energy below him. He looked confused at what happened until-

POP!

The glowing faded, and George and Harold landed on their feet to the ground. But both the boys had changed in appearance. 

Instead of their usual clothes, they were both dressed in unexplainably magical costume. They were decked out in clean white blouses, puffy skirts ending at the knee, tight gloves ending at the elbow, white socks at the knee, short boots, and giant ribbons tied at the back of the head, the chest, and the back of the waistband.

"Well, this wasn't the kind of superhero I thought we'd become" was all George had to say. Harold just nodded along as both were blushing quite bright from the sudden change.

They both looked down, seeing a weapon form in their hands. George had a long striped maroon and gold whip similar to his tie in his hands, while Harold held a green and white striped slingshot. 

"Wait, who are we supposed to fight with these?" Harold asked the narrator. 

And then the narrator cut towards the next scene.

A horrifying monster roared at the school. It bared its two fang-filled mouths at all that faced its four piercing blue eyes. Red and green foam spewed from both mouths, dribbling onto the dried up grass. Its eight peach-colored limbs smacked Captain Underpants in the face and then flung him away for the rest of the chapter. 

Edith walked over to the boys with a baseball bat in hand. "You two ready for some graphic violence?" she asked.

"We always are, Miss Edith!" George boldly exclaimed.

Our three heroes came charging towards the spindly arachnid-like monster with determination in them.

Edith struck first. She pulled her bat back and smacked it against the nuclear monster's two back limbs. The lunch lady repeatedly hit and whacked until she shattered its kneecaps into shards of bone and blood as the mutated monster screamed in agony and pain. 

The eldritch abomination landed on its other back limbs and let out a blood-curdling screech, but this didn't faze our heroes at all. George smirked as he pulled his whip back and flung the tip of it across his opponent.

Because of the whip's potential, the beast's four eyes were all slashed open and oozing red, causing the spiderlike foe to growl even more. 

"Prepare to DIE!" Harold hollered as he pulled the string of his slingshot back, a glowing ball of green energy forming. The blonde let the string go and watched as the projectile hit the beast of burden in the chest.

Suddenly, the sentinent beast exploded into millions of pieces. Chunks of blood and bone and sludge flung through the heavy September air, hitting all those around the explosion. All was silent until-

"Where the HECK are we going to get the funds to pay for the damage, bubs?!" a familar gruff voice yelled at Edith and the boys.

"Forget about the damage, sir" a police official said. "We need the army, the marines, some doctors, and a few comic nerds for this sort of damage"

And so, the army, marines, doctors and comic nerds were called to the elementary school.

Fifteen minutes later, the comic book nerds had nearly examined each and every person covered in waste, except for two.

"Ok so we got everyone down" the first doctor nodded.

"Nope, we didn't get these two on the list. George Beard and Harold Hutchins" the second one pointed out.

The two boys walked up once their names were heard. 

"Alright, if you two kids could hold still for a sec and we'll get everything down..."

A few minutes had passed, and the doctors were looking over the blood samples. Both were completely baffled over what they had seen.

"Now I've never seen blood like this" the first doctor pointed out. "It's pink and green, glows brightly, and- is that glitter?"

"This can't be human blood, Doctor Whomst" the other doctor shook his head in confusion. "Doctor Urobachi's discoveries match up to these samples"

"Urobachi?" Whomst asked.

The second doctor answered "He found out about that one species those comic professionals call 'magical girls'. They look human but are superpowered. They're also infertile, are created and not born, and usually? They're made from teenage girls in Japan, but rarely are they found in other regions."

"But these are two ten-year-old boys" Whomst pointed out. "How would this work then, Löv?"

"Other Japanese doctors have pointed out quite a few transgender males could become this 'magical girl' species" Löv explained clearly. "Do we have any other medical information on these two?"

Whomst pulled out two beige folders with papers inside them, and then Löv read the forms thoroughly.

"Bingo" Löv only said.


End file.
